Once upon a time, when I was flush with cash from a Christmas bonus (remember them? Weren’t they great?) and hanging around a very expensive Florida resort at a business conference, I felt sorry for myself and bought an extremely expensive fly rod and reel to go bone fishing with. It was the kind of purchase that men have to hide from their wives. I’m still hiding it ten years later and hope she doesn’t read this.
The resort had a nice verandah with big wicker chairs that overlooked an immaculate croquet court, a long rectangle with grass clipped tighter than a Persian rug. Every afternoon, during cocktails, a guy who looked like a ski-instructor, who wore shorts with lots of pockets and a khaki shirt with straps and emblems, would offer to teach old ladies how to fly cast. No one ever took him up on his offer. He made a game out of it by laying hula hoops on the croquet court and putting balloons in then the hoop as targets.
He would demonstrate his skill by popping the balloons, one-by-one, with a barbless fly. People drunkenly clapped whenever he popped a balloon. He offered a challenge: anyone who could pop all the balloons, standing at different stations around the croquet court, would win a fly reel, a nice one too.
I made the mistake of showing off my new purchase to a colleague at the conference, let’s call him Wayne from Receiving, and as we sat on the verandah, drinking our fourth round of gin and tonics, Wayne from Receiving suggested I go to my room, get my new rod and reel, and take the casting teacher downtown with a lesson of the way things are done up on Cape Cod. I demurred, ate another conch fritter, and wondered how I could duck the next day’s seminar on "Actualizing Your Inner Manager: A Workshop in Intrapersonal Conflict Resolution Techniques" and go fish Biscayne Bay for bonefish with Reel-Time sponsor, the now-late and dearly missed Frank Garisto.
"C’mon. You can kick his butt. You chicken?"
"Chicken" is one of those words that gets me between the ribs. Of course I got the rod from my room, brought it down to the verandah, and started assembling it. The old ladies sitting at the next table asked if I was going to accept the balloon challenge and that in their opinion, the ski instructor was "pretty good."
"This guy’s the best fly fisherman on Cape Cod," said Wayne from Receiving. "He’s going to make this guy cry."
The ski instructor finished showing a ten-year old kid how to wave a long piece of orange yarn over his head on a practice rod. He looked bored, but tolerated it at $20 an hour. He looked over the crowd for someone to play with. He zeroed in on me and my new rod and reel.
"I see we have another student today. C’mon, sir, step right up. Let’s see what you can do." I felt like an utter idiot. The stooge who gets sawn in half by the magician, the nimrod who gets hypnotized and acts like a member of the opposite sex.
Wayne from Receiving started hooting like a face-painted fan. I walked out of the shady anonymity of the verandah into the orange sunlight of the late afternoon. The instructor had very white teeth. I didn’t feel so sarcastic any more.
I stripped off 40 feet of new bonefish line, straightened out the loops, buying some time. Time for some excuses: "I just bought this rod today and have been dying to try it all afternoon. It’s really nice of you to give me a chance to get in some practice."
"That’s a sweet rod. First time fly casting? Want some pointers?"
Wayne was whooping it up and laying down twenties on the old ladies table. They were digging in their pocket books. Now my boss was watching. Blowing off the Self-Actualization seminar was going to be tough.
"Why don’t you tie on this fly here and try to get it to land in that hoop closest to us? Think you can do that?" The guy reminded me of Andy Mills, the ski racer that married Chris Evert, is too good looking, and wins all the fishing tournaments.
I tied on the fly. It was a simple streamer with the bend of the hook snipped off. It was just fur and feather and a straight shank of metal, like a pin, for popping the balloons.
"I will do this," I realized. "I will kill these balloons."
There was no wind. I wasn’t wading up to my waist in surf at Chatham. It was sunny out, not dark. The line was new. The rod was new. There were no excuses. The Force was with me and I knew, just knew, that years of slugging it out with a fly rod while others around me defaulted to their spinning rods was going to pay off. Obi-Wan Lefty Kreh, who had taught me at a Reel-Time casting class in Hingham the summer before, suddenly spoke to me from the sky, and it was all going to come together. Elbow tight to my side. Casting hand not rising above my shoulder. Thumb on the grip, stance perfect. I was ready. I stripped more line off of the reel, and then some more, and a little more, dumping it all onto the grass, until I was looking at the lime-yellow backing.
The instructor looked at the backing. He knew, like I knew, that something magic was about to happen. I was Babe Ruth pointing at the Bleachers. I was Bobby Orr against St. Louis. I was Larry Bird with one second to go, two points down, outside of the three-point line with Johnny Most going bananas in the background.
"So, pop six balloons and I get a reel?"
"Mister, that’s really for students."
"Sure, no sweat. For the glory then?"
There were six hoops. We stood in one corner of the croquet court. The wickets were gone. It was just green grass with pretty flowers around the perimeter. The furthest hoop was in the far corner, and it was going to be the killer. It was over 100 feet away and had yellow balloon in the middle of it.
I said a prayer to St. Sedotti, nodded to the instructor to step out of the way, and started the first cast. Wayne from Receivables was quiet. The new Scientific Anglers bonefish taper was slick and started to lengthen through the guides with each false cast. With an easy 25-feet of line out of the tip I started double-hauling a little, feeding more line into the fore- and backcasts, watching the loop, making a little oval in the sky with the rod tip, lengthening, lengthening until the fly was over the first hoop.
I decided not to shoot the line, but to pop the balloon on the forecast, I angled the cast down and took out the first balloon with a satisfying pop, and let another five feet flow out on the back cast. I was at forty-feet of line and the loops were holding up nicely. Second forecast and pop! another balloon down, I moved my left foot a little, adjusted my stance, watched the back cast gain another ten feet, and pop!, third balloon gone. I heard cheering. A couple more false casts at 60 feet. My double haul was working but I was in the territory where one bad double haul could cause me to lose the line and lose control. I dipped down the forecast and took out the fourth balloon. Two more to go. The next one was 75 feet out. I cast to it, missed, and heard the crowd say, "Awww." But I still had the line moving and nailed it on the second attempt.
Last balloon remaining. I wanted to step towards it, but figured this was my one and only chance to actually cast the line, let fly and hope for the best. I snapped a quick look down at the line at my feet, shook it to make sure it wasn’t tangled, almost lost the line on the backcast and ...
The drag went crazy, buzzing like an alarm clock. The fly had wrapped around the windshield stanchion of a passing golf cart on the service road behind the croquet court. I turned around, laughed, and let it run for a second, then palmed the reel, burned my hand, but popped the leader before $75 of fly line went off to the third hole.
That’s it. The Swedish Bikini Team didn’t hoist me on their shoulders. President Bush the Elder didn’t invite me to go fishing with him. A movie wasn’t made about my life.