In the beginning there was Donald Duck, Son of Zebco.
Kid gets the worst rod and reel in the world, for he isn’t trusted with a real hook, and has to frustrate himself with a rubber sinker until Donald Duck dies and the whole mess ends up in the trash with the $30 badminton set and the Big Wheel. This leads, thirty years later, to nostalgic senility and the desire to perpetuate the cycle by inflicting the same thing on Junior.
Then follows the Drop Line. Beware of fishing rods that are square and come in a plastic bag. The Drop Line leads to one’s first experience with yucky bait. Find a clam, and lo let there be bait. Smash the clam open with a rock, wrap the cheapest hook known to man with wet piece of clam, dunk over side of dock or boat. Catch sea robin, refuse to unhook monster and cry. Extra points and a guaranteed life-time aversion to fishing if the first sea robin is substituted for a mature eel.
Steal father’s tackle. About the time that one becomes independent enough to be permitted to ride one’s Huffy to the dock or beach without supervision, one comes into contact with sin and corruption in the form of other children who always have better bicycles and fishing tackle. In one’s first effort to keep up with
the Joneses, one borrows the old gent’s high-end St.Croix graphite rod with the Van Staal mortgage payment on it. Other children are impressed and jealous and either break the rod tip or help fulfill Penn’s Law of Reels, which states: The Probability of A Reel Landing In Sand Increases With Its Value and the Youth of Its Holder.
Paternal tackle theft leads to one’s first "real" rod. This is purchased, with great ceremony, at the Temple, also known as the local tackle shop. This is the Bar Mitzvah of the Fishing religion, the slaying of the Lion by the Zulu boy, the Sioux Sweat Hut. If fortunate, purchaser is father and not mother, for mothers are ignorant of the way of the first real rod and default to Donald Duck (or his Idiot Brother, Shark Reel) or the Drop Line. Father, in effort to impress upon his offspring his expertise in the Rites of the Temple, will
swallow his wallet and overspend on an "Outfit." Father would not be caught dead with said "Outfit", which is as sophisticated as a Russian Tractor and made in a Chinese sweat shop. First Real Rod is accompanied by First Tackle Box. First Tackle Boxes always must contain white and red plastic bobber and white and red enamel spoon. Fish scaler, stringer, and a plastic frying pan filled with split shot are de rigeur, which is French for "useless but part of the deal."
Real Rod sustains boy-man until the issuance of the First Pay Check. This milestone marks the coming of age of the boy-man and his initiation into the Cult of the Annual Percentage Rate, who’s God is Lord Visa. When boy-man becomes man-boy and parts with his own lucre for fishing tackle, evolution accelerates, and if misfortunate, man-boy becomes a Tackle Addict, an affliction for which there is no known cure but the Evil Mate.
The Evil Mate is a nonbeliever who hates the Temple and hates the Rite of the Tackle Box. Consorting with the Evil Mate necessitates the learned behaviors known as Stashing the Tackle and gives rise to the oft-told: Food on the Table Myth. But hey, can’t live with them, can’t go fishing with them either.
Man must return to the Temple weekly and must buy new offerings to the Fish God for Man cannot live with one rod alone. Every occasion for worship requires new ecclesiastic offerings. The Church of Wasque and Bearse demands wire and parachutes for it is known that Saint Striper feeds not on monofilament alone. The Synod of Fluke requires the venerable Fluke Rig. And no bluefish shall be unhooked safely without Captain Andy’s De-Hooker.
Eventually all hell breaks loose. Enter the Dreaded Fly.
Man decides to try fly fishing. It isn’t enough to merely catch fish. Now it becomes imperative to catch fish in the hardest possible way, aka "Sport." This splinter sect of the Cult of Tackle is the Priesthood of the
Fly. Woe to the Fly Follower, for he is condemned to wander the earth with The Tackle Which Maddens All Men. The Fly Follower Renounces the Bait of the Drop Line, the Eel of the Drop Line, the First Real Rod, and all other temple rites save the Ceremony of the Fly. The Food on the Table Myth is debunked, and the Fly Follower begins to proselytize the liturgy of Catch and Release, and deems all finned creatures to be inedible (unless prepared by the restaurant at $30 a plate).
O woe to he who walks the righteous Path of the Fly, for he is condemned to a lifetime in the Cult of the Annual Percentage Rate, of fierce and unrelenting vitriol from the Evil Mate, of the scorn of the Base and Coarse Baitmen. Obsessed by the Bible of Orvis and Bean, he frequents new Temples and forsakes the youthful ways of Lord Donald Duck forever.
Unless, of course, he was born filthy rich and given a Sage RPLXi with a Tibor Everglades on the occasion of his fourth birthday. But what’s the fun in that? And who wants a name like Chauncey Withington with Roman numerals on the end of it anyway? A Porsche is only fun to drive in middle-age if your first car was a Vega.
On to this week’s reports. Finally feeling like summer out there, hey? Anecdotally, it seems that the surprise species of the spring has been the sea bass. Which leads us to the word of the week: protogynous hermaphrodites. That’s right, eat a sea bass and you are consuming nature’s very own sex change; for all sea bass are born female and eventually turn into males. There, don’t you feel smarter because you read the FishWire?