This guy (he’d kill me if I told you his name) and I were fishing one day (I can’t say which day, because then you would know when we were fishing and then I would have to kill you) and we’re at this rip in the ocean (you should figure out which ocean on your own, but I’ll give a hint and tell you the ocean’s name begins with the letter "A") and I see a fish swimming in the curl of the rip and of course I point at it. Because it is a fish and we are there to catch it. This Guy slaps my hand and says, "Don’t point! You want every jerk in the neighborhood motoring over here?"
Every jerk in the neighborhood had already motored there and were fishing only a few yards away from us. Maybe the bent rods were the signal? Maybe that infallible finder of fish -- one’s fellow man fishing -- was the signal? I don’t know. It was a clandestine affair and I was told if I told you about it I would be sure to die. The same guy, later that day, starts yelling at some poor terns hovering over a school of bluefish: "What do you think you’re doing?!? You want every jerk in the neighborhood to see?" The birds moved on.
Another time, I was in a tackle shop in a Town That Cannot Be Named, and some poor guy from Ashtabula, Ohio wearing socks under his Tevas was dropping massive coin on everything from a 12-foot Hawaiian cast net to a six-prong eel spear in an effort to get the old timer who owned the place to tell him where he could put his six-year old son onto something resembling a fish to complete his C___ C__ vacation. The old timer totaled up $200 worth of fishing bling-bling then thought for a second, searching his mental database for a tip worth $200. He saw me dawdling around, in earshot, around the bin of bank sinkers and motioned the tourist closer so he could whisper the classified intelligence into his ear. I sidled over, feigning intense curiosity in the shop’s wide range of snagging hooks -- which happened to be hung on the wall near the cash register.
"Sir? May I ask you to leave?" the shop owner said.
"Moi?" I asked, thinking, "After all I have done for you? After all I have spent, I can’t overhear one stupid fishing tip?"
"Yes sir. You. Please leave the store."
"But I was going to buy a clam rake, one of those spiffy thingys over there, and some rubber worms."
"Still sir, I must ask you to step outside. After I am finished with this gentleman and his son you may return.:
I drove off in a huff, looking for fishing tips.
I bought a plastic chart the size of a place mat that had fishing spots marked on it. When I went to the fishing spots on the chart I had to take a number and wait my turn. It was like waiting at the deli counter at Stop & Shop for a pound of olive loaf. I guess those plastic charts are bestsellers. The spot was out of fish by the time it was my turn.
I called a 900 number and got a lady from south of the border who said I was her "Mink" and then told me what she wearing. Which wasn’t much. When I asked her where the fish were biting and she got angry, told me she didn’t "smell like no fish" and hung up the phone. A month later my wife saw the phone bill and told me to sleep on the couch.
I bought the newspaper to see what Salty Sally the Fishing Reporter had to say. She wrote about her pal Margaret and how they went fishing and caught all sorts of fish. Which they ate. So I went looking for Margaret and Sally and found instead a policeman directing traffic away from the beach Sally wrote about. I rolled down my window and asked him what was going on.
"Beach collapse. Too many people standing in one place. The dune couldn’t handle it. Dumped guys into the drink. There was fighting. Children crying. Spilled bait. There’s nothing to see here now. Move along."
So there was nothing to do but figure things out the hard way. By myself. Such a person, I am told, is an autodidact. I would put in my time, slog the beaches a lonely man, and be one with Nature until Nature told me where the fish were. If I saw people I would fish where they weren’t. I would force myself to blaze my own trails, keeping a top secret diary of my experiences. I would be the guy who turns left on the beach instead of right, I would be the guy who fished the long shots, the one who works the beaches in January looking for fish that weren’t there.
I must of missed Nature’s phone call because Nature only called me to the bushes.
So I went to the Internet. Everything was beautiful here. People were kind, helpful, and sent me digital images of very helpful information such as satellite photographs, pictures of flies, annotated maps, and step-by-step driving directions. They even offered to show me the spots. For free. There was more sharing going on than a Haight-Ashbury bong. It was groovy. I started finding fish and telling other people where I found the fish. We all found fish and we found fish together. No more rubber worm purchases just to be told, "Hang a right, drive until the road goes no more, walk across the sand and cast." No more place mats, Salty Sally or being told to beat it by tough looking guys in hooded sweatshirts on the banks of the Canal.
Then it all came to an end. Someone mailed me a fish with its lips sewn shut. I ignored it. Then someone took a Scotts Drop Lawn Spreader and wrote with fertilizer, in twenty-foot tall letters -- "Tattle-Tale" -- on my front yard. It’s June, it’s been raining, and the fertilized grass has gone nuts. I need to mow every day.
But it is better than dying. Go find your own fish and don’t dare talk about it if you do, except here, at Reel-Time, where fishing reports abound.
So, Sunday night I blackened a mess of bluefish (all fly caught I assure you), boiled up some early sweet corn, tossed a salad, and sat down with family and friends for the first great hunter-gatherer meal of the season. What could be better? This is the last week of the spring, there are big fish to be caught, and in a short time there will be a lot of guys out there fishing for a million and half pounds of striped bass to sell to you when you strike out. So batter up! And email some reports, because this is the Internet and it’s groovy to share.