Why aren’t there better movies about fishing? I was thinking that over the weekend when I came upon my ten-year old watching Waterworld, an astonishing stinker of a movie starring Kevin Costner as a mutant mariner in a world submerged by the melting of the polar ice caps. Costner, who has evolved into a half-fish with gills behind his ears, drives around in a Hobie Cat straight out of the Road Warrior wearing a pair of natty striped pants.
At one point, one of Kev’s passengers decides to do a little fishing because she and her daughter are hungry. She pulls out a Penn Jigmaster and sets to it. Kevin grabs the rod, throws it down, and demands to know "You want to see some fishing?" He hefts a bigharpoon-gun, ties a rope around his waist, jumps over the stern and proceeds to troll himself like a human Rapala. Along comes a mutant shark which swallows Kevin like Jonah. Cut to an underwater view of the side of the shark exploding as Kevin works his way out of the fish by blowing open its stomach with the harpoon gun. Cut to Kevin tossing a slab of fish meat onto the barby.
Thank heavens for Tivo, for my son and I had the opportunity to watch this scene in slo-mo about six times, analyzing the mutant shark’s teeth (and wondering why Kevin didn’t get bitten), to the shark’s approach and attack on the swimming fish-man lure.
If they made a movie about me fishing it would be as exciting as Andy Warhol’s epic Empire which consisted of a single camera fixed on the Empire State Building for eight hours and six minutes. I would title it "Fishing for a Clue"
Here is my list of fishing movies you should see before you die:
1. Jaws. Very little actual angling goes in this firm save for a scene in which ol’ Quint sits in the fighting chair and listens to the clicker go off on a huge old Penn Senator big game reel. Every clicker on every reel since then has held very ominous possibilities for me. Oh, I almost forgot, and the meat chunkers who toss a rib roast off the dock with a chain on it.
2. A River Runs Through It: two brothers fish for trout and wear Ralph Lauren. One, played by Brad Pitt, is a very good caster
and does this swooshy back-cast thing that looks like Keith Lockhart conducting a fish orchestra. This is the movie that made fly fishing the must-do yuppie sport of the 1990s. Ebay is still moving the tackle out of the garages of America and into our hands. The tackle industry is reputedly looking for A River Runs Through II: Jason Meets Freddie to revive its flagging fortunes.
3. 92 Degrees in the Shade: based on a Tom McGuane novel, it’s about Peter Fonda trying to become a flats guide in Key West in the 1960s. Great scenes of permit fishing around mangroves. Almost as good as the book. Will make you want to move to the Keys in the 1960s before the cruise ships and t-shirt shops hit Duval Street.
4. Fishing With John: this is actually a series of TV shows where actor/musician John Lurie (The Lounge Lizards) goes fishing with a number of actor guests such as Matt Dillon, Willem Dafoe, and Tom Waits (who drops a live fish into the front of his bathing suit). Very few fish get caught but that is the point.
5. A Kiss Before Dying: a so-so flick, but Max von Sydow briefly plays the kind of person I want to be when I grow up: an ulta-rich traveling fisherman. Von Sydow is a total fishing fanatic, and actually fishes in one scene ... for carp, telling Matt Dillon that carp fishing is the most challenging form of angling there is. This reinforces my belief that no movie has more than one percent actual fishing material. Which is a bad state of affairs.
6. To Have and Have Not: Hemingway’s novel about a charter skipper in the Keys gets moved to the island of Martinique where Humphrey Bogart and his drunken firstmate Walter Brennan get stiffed by a sport who tries to skip town without paying his charter bill after trashing some tackle on a marlin. The rest of the movie is spent looking at Lauren Bacall.
7. Grumpy Old Men: ice fishing is comedy unto itself, not matter who the actors are. See Fishing With John’s Willem Dafoe episode for more ice fishing humor.
8. Hjaelp, jer er en fisk!: Those wacky Germans! Help, I am a Fish! is a kid’s cartoon about three
kids who drink a magic potion and turn into fish. Spellbinding. Not to be confused with the dirty German fish movie, Fickende Fische, the title of which loosely translates to "Fish Do It." Do what Mommy? What are you and Daddy doing? Is Daddy hurting you Mommy?
Now none of these are gripping as an entire weekend spent watching fishing shows on the boob tube, but none have commercials for Troy-Bilt Brush Whackers or impotence pills either. One of these week’s I’ll tackle television, but until then, send me some movie suggestions, I know there have to be some winners I’ve overlooked.
News of the week: weather is nice. My local waters around Cotuit were pretty quiet when I fished. The forums are a bit quiet. No one really seems to be fishing hard or reporting often. But the elements are all in place. It is no longer summer. The night time temps are dropping. The fish have received the message from Fish Control that now is the time to start feeding and moving. Don’t fiddle and diddle. Catch ‘em while you can.