Ask a stupid ...
Questions and Answers
The mail bag is over flowing. So I thought I’d empty it into your laps this week.
Q. My husband’s birthday is coming up. He’s always wanted to swim with dolphins so he can commune with their higher intelligence. I wonder if you could recommend some inexpensive vacations that offer swimming with ocean creatures?
A. Since half of all marriages end in divorce, you may want to hedge your bets and take the guy to Hadley’s Harbor. There he can swim with a Great White Shark. I don’t know how intelligent sharks are, but the swim would be free, and I hear the scientists are worried that it hasn’t had a good meal for a while.
Q. What’s your stance on the proposed Wind Farm?
A. I don’t understand the need to grow more wind, there’s seems to be plenty of it to go around and I certainly wouldn’t be a buyer.
Q. How do you suggest catching a stripper on Cape Cod?
A. A twenty-dollar bill at Zachary’s Pub in Mashpee ought to do the trick.
Q. How do you make a stripping basket?
A. I’ve never seen a stripper strip in a basket. Though I would pay a twenty-dollar bill to see one do it.
Q. Why are fly rods so expensive? I thought graphite was the stuff they made pencils out of.
A. Pencils are made out of lead. Fly rods are made out of Unobtanium.
Q. Why is the “East End” of the Cape Cod Canal called the east end if it empties out on the north side of Cape Cod?
A. Because the “North End” is where you go to get pizza.
Q. I’m going to kill myself! What is the best line to use? Floating or sinking?
A. I don’t know if either one will support your weight. Double it up first, then give it a try.
Q. I’m thinking of becoming a fly fishing guide. Any suggestions?
A. I hear the food stamp program is pretty versatile in the Bay State. You won’t be able to buy cigarettes or beer with them though.
Q. What’s the deal with the drunken guys at the local beach who keep short fish, bring mean dogs with them, and leave trash all over the place? Is there anything I can do?
A: Join them. That’s the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute’s PhD Ichthyology Doctorate Program having its monthly evening outing.
Q. Why don’t your reports ever talk about how and where to catch fish?
A. Sorry. In the water. With hooks. Unless you are really fast, then you can use your hands.
Q. …seriously …
A. Sorry. In the water. With hooks. While discussing Kant’s Categorical Imperative.
Q. I dread the winter. What do you do to keep busy when you’re not fishing?
A. I drink.
Q. I’m thinking of getting into fly tying. What do I need to get started in such a fun hobby?
A. First you must lack a life, allergies to animal skins and bird feathers, fat fingers, and any aversion to working with volatile solvents which make you act like a head injury survivor.
Q. I’m thinking of getting into offshore, blue-water, big game sport fishing. What do I need to get started in such a fun hobby?
A. Any pastime that requires a life raft, survival suits, and an Emergency Position Indicating Repeating Beacon deserves a second thought.
Q. When does the fishing season end?
A. If you have to ask, it already has.
Well gang, last weekend was very nice. The middle was a blow out and the end – as I write this on Thursday afternoon, seems just ducky. Everyone is grousing about how terrible the fishing has been in the month of September, but as of Friday it is October, a coin-toss of a month than can swing between totally, really awesome and deader than red tide. This is the last month of reports from yours truly. Halloween is when we’ll be packing it in for the ninth season of the Cape Cod Fishwire. Boo….Hoo..